Monday, November 17, 2008
Stranded
November 16, 2008; 2:00amYou spot him. Time stops, just like in the movies. Then you sort of have difficulty breathing and your body gets rigid and cold. Fear sweeps over you. You try to stay cool even though you're already so stressed. You try to laugh or listen to what your friend is saying but you can’t because you suddenly feel retarded. You try to sneak a little peek. And every time you do, you feel like dying because you see something you expected to see but didn’t want to. You feel this sudden rush of loneliness and this profound feeling of futility. Jealousy, a familiar friend, corrupts your thoughts and judgment. The sensible part of you commands you to stop. But reason has abandoned you so you persist on stealing a few more glances even though you know that this will do you no good. And then you start to helplessly hope. Hope that maybe he’s aware that you exist. Hope that maybe he also sees you across the room.
You finally can’t take it so you run off to the bathroom. You feel so feeble so you try to recover. While in front of the mirror, you start talking to yourself. It’s a good thing that nobody is around. You start questioning why you even came. You just want to shout, to cry, or maybe just leave and get it over with. But then you remember all the trouble you and your friends went through just to get your ass here. You remember the countless times you practiced what you’re going to say and do. You remember the hundreds of pep talks you had with yourself just to prepare for this. You remember how you harassed your mother so she would allow you to go. And most of all, you remember that tonight isn’t about you and your pathetic thoughts. Then you suddenly feel a little better. Not much better though, just enough to give you the guts to get back in.
As you make your way back, you see something that you weren’t supposed to see. He was so sweet that you wanted to vomit. Your heart breaks. The pain you feel is unbearable but you can’t seem to stop staring. You take everything in, every single look and gesture. You fear that your knees would buckle so you hold on to something for support. You walk slowly to the deserted room at the end of the hall. You just stand there for a few minutes and do nothing. You ask why. Why me? Why him? Wh her? You’re scared of the answers so you stop thinking about it.
When you get back, you try to divert your attention so you start teasing your friend about how fat he has gotten. You find that it’s not working so you attempt to mingle with other people there. At this point, you start to forget that he’s even there. The small talk seemed to be a good enough distraction so you carry on with it. You laugh. You joke. You appear cheerful. You congratulate yourself for getting yourself together and for being such a great fraud.
Then it happens. The person you’ve loved for so long appears. You’ve been imagining this moment for years but you still feel so unprepared. Your heart drops. You start to shake. You can’t really think straight. You start searching for the right words to say. You try to remember the speech you’ve practiced a thousand times in front of the mirror. Nothing. You fight the urge to put your arms around him. But you fail. You feel a jolt as you hug him. Fortunately, you resist the urge to bawl your eyes out. You swore to never let him see you cry ever again.
He takes your breath away. You secretly think that you’ve never met a more beautiful person – inside and out. Memories start flooding in. You realize that everything about him, you’ve missed – his smile, his gait, his voice, his writing, his eyes, his personality, his mind, even his dancing. The boy you’ve been hanging out with a few years ago has evolved into someone you’ve never expected. He seems so different but at the same time he seems unchanged. There are so many things you want to say, but you know it would just drag everything down so keep your mouth shut.
He looks contented with how his life is going and that makes you feel pleased. You think of the lucky person he’s making happy and the person who has the privilege of making him happy. You suddenly wish you could make him happy too. You wish you weren’t so far from him. You wish you could see him more often. You wish you could talk to him longer. But since you know that the things you always wish for are impossible, you start to pray that you think of him less and that you could move on.
You know you won’t see him for a long time. There is even the possibility of never seeing him again. As you talk, you try taking a mental picture of how he looks. You want to remember every detail. You want to remember every single word he lets out. You want to remember him exactly how he is tonight – happy, healthy and successful.
You don’t deny that he will forever be one of your greatest sources of inspiration. Whenever things suck at home and at school, you think of him. The mere act of imagining the things he would say and do would give you the strength that you always welcome. When you hear about how well he’s doing, you feel so proud of him. When you see pictures of him, you can’t help but laugh. And when you remember the things that he did for you, you smile.
You know you’ll always be waiting for him. Hours, days, months, even years from now, you will still think of him and how wonderful he is. You will always feel lucky for having the chance of knowing him. You will never really feel tired as long as you take his memory with you. You will forever be his friend. You will always pray for him. You will always be his biggest fan. You will always realize and appreciate his greatness. You will always wish the best for him.
You say to yourself that you have no problems about waiting. You shall do it until it hurts. You’ve been doing it for so long that it has already become your normal state. It’s pathetic, you know. But you’d rather stay in this rut than to forget about him (or the possibility of being with him) for even just a second. You’ve been waiting for him for so long that you know nothing else.
You will always secretly love him. And he will never know.
Posted by minnelle at 6:10 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Ten Conyomandments
1. Thou shall make gamit "make+pandiwa".
ex. "Let's make pasok na to our class!"
"Wait lang! I'm making kain pa!"
"Come on na, we can't make hintay anymore! It's in Andrew pa, you know?"
2. Thou shall make kalat "noh", "diba" and "eh" in your pangungusap.
ex. "I don't like to make lakad in the baha nga, no? Eh diba it's like, so eew, diba?"
"What ba: stop nga being maarte noh?"
"Eh as if you want naman also, diba?"
3. When making describe a whatever, always say "It's SO pang-uri!"
ex. "It's so malaki, you know, and so mainit!"
"I know right? So sarap nga, eh!"
"You're making me inggit naman.. I'll make bili nga my own burger."
4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation "dude", 'tsong" or "pare"
ex. "Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare."
"I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh"
5. Thou shall know you know? I know right!
ex. "My bag is so bigat today, you know"
"I know, right! We have to make dala pa kasi the jumbo Physics book eh!"
6. Make gawa the plural of pangngalans like in English or Spanish.
ex. "I have so many tigyawats, oh!"
7. Like, when you can make kaya, always use like. Like, I know right?
ex. "Like, it's so init naman!"
"Yah! The aircon, it's, like sira!"
8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap?
ex. "Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?"
"It's so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?"
9. Make gamit of plenty abbreviations, you know, daglat?"
ex. "Like, OMG! It's like traffic sa LRT"
"I know right? It's so kaka!"
"Kaka?"
"Kakaasar!"
10. Make gamit the pinakamaarte voice and pronunciation you have para full effect!
ex. "I'm, like, making aral at the Arrhneo!"
"Me naman, I'm from Lazzahl!"
Posted by minnelle at 7:34 PM
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
My Sweetest Downfall
“I am finding out that maybe I was wrong,
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone.”
Matagal na kitang gustong tanungin kung kamusta ka na pero ‘di ko kinaya. Natatakot kasi ako. Natatakot akong baka “ok lang” ang isagot mo sa akin. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ba yang “ok lang” na ‘yan. Are you trying out a new sport? May org ka ba sa inyo? How are your studies? How are the people there? Gusto ko talagang malaman. Hindi nman kita tatanugin kung hindi eh. Tinatanong ko lang yan sa mga taong may pakealam ako.
Madalas kong nahuhuli ang sarili ko na nakatulala sa langit kapag gabi. Sa langit na gustong gusto mo dating titigan. Nagbabakasakali lang siguro ako na baka sa parehong oras ay nakatingin ka rin sa langit. At kahit dito lang ay magkaroon muli tayo ng koneksyon. Nagbabakasakali rin na may maalala ka, kahit kaunti lang, basta maalala mo lang.
Araw-araw kong nadadaanan ang ating dating paaralan na kung saan una tayong nagkakilala. At dahil dito, araw-araw ko ring naaalala ang biruan, ang kulitan at harutan. Naaalala ko rin ang mga pangako matagal nang binitiwan. Ang pangakong walang iwanan. Ang pangako na walang limutan. Mga pangako ng dalawang matalik na magkaibigan. (Shocks! Nag-rhyme. ‘Di sinasadya.)
“You are my sweetest downfall.”
Do you really want to know why the hell I can’t let this go? Because our friendship made me see and feel things that I never encountered before. Sa’yo ko lang naramdaman ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng pagkakaibigan. Sa’yo ko lang nasabi ang mga bagay na hindi ko naman talaga isinisiwalat sa iba. Sa’yo ko lang unang naramdaman na hindi lang pala sa pelikula o sa story book ang mga happy ending. Tinuruan mo rin ako ng self-control. Sa’yo ko lang nakita ang tunay na pagmamalasakit at pagiintindi. Sa’yo ko nalaman ang ibig sabihin ng isang pangako. Sa’yo ko naramdaman na may mga bagay pa pala talaga na may saysay pang sagipin. Nalaman kong posible palang maging masaya ang buhay kahit may tumutuligsa sa’yo. Hindi lang pala puro
You are just such a good person. And yes, I have always considered you as my bestfriend. You showed me so much. And I’m very thankful for that. And I guess you will always be the yardstick with which I measure the people that I meet.
“Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter”
Hindi ba nakakatawa? Nakakatawang walang katiyakan ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo? Ang isang bagay kahit gaano man ito katotoo ay maaaring maglaho na lang na parang bula. Good friends to nothing. Haha… Hindi ko nga alam kung magkaibigan pa ang tawag mo sa atin. Pero kahit na wala na akong naririnig mula sa’yo, nais ko pa rin isipin na masaya ka at kontento. At malay mo, baka balang-araw ay magkita muli tayo at baka sa hinaharap ay makilala kitang muli at makilala mo na rin ang bagong ako. Sa mga ganitong bagay, you can never tell. Mapaglaro ang tadhana.
Pagod na ako sa kakaisip. Gusto kong maging masaya tulad mo ngayon. Gusto kong maging kontento tulad mo. Gusto kong matahimik tulad mo. I always pray for peace, but nothing seems to change.
“You left before I had the chance to say
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, you’ve gone away”
Hindi mo na nga ako siguro mapapatawad. Nararamdaman ko kasi 'yung resentment mo. gusto ko sana 'tong sabihin ng personal sa'yo pero hindi ko kaya. Alam ko naman na ayaw mo na rin kasi talaga ako makita. Natatakot kasi akong isipin mong nagdadrama lang ako. Baka isipin mo na nagloloko lang ako. Baka isipin mo na napakawalang kwenta ko namang tao para isipin pa rin 'to hanggang ngayon. Pero anong magagawa ko? Wala. Gustohin ko mang wag 'tong isipin ay hindi ko magawa. Wala rin akong magagawa para ibahin ang persepsyon mo sa akin.
Sobra ang takot ko
Masyado kitang inipit. Hindi ko naisisp na nasaktan ka rin. Ang naka-inscribe na kasi sa utak ko
I’m so sorry. Kung may time machine lang ako, iibahin ko lahat ng nangyari. Pero wala akong ganun kaya sorry at ang katotohanan lang and pwede kong ialay sa’yo.
Ang tanga ko talaga. And it took me months to realize kung ano ba talaga ang nangyari at kung ano ba talaga ako nakasira. Ako lang nman ang sumira eh. Dahil masyado akong makasarili, nawala ang bagay na mahigpit kong hinawakan. Ang tanga ko talaga. Minsan nga natatanong ko kung bakit ko nagawa ang mga 'yon. Bakit pa ako kumilos? Bakit pa ako nagsalita? Ang tanga ko talaga.
When i think about this, parang i want to cry but not really. Parang may sasabog na kung ano sa loob ko. Parang I want to shout pero wala naman akong maisigaw. Prang i want to run pero wala nman akong mapuntahan. Parang nasa madilim akong kwarto, mag-isa. Walang nakikita, walang nararamdaman, walang naririnig.When i think about the past and things that i did, nraramdaman ko ang isang malaking butas. May space na hindi mapuno-puno. Prang may kulang. May kulang talaga. Kahit anong kasiyahan ang nararamdaman ko, parang hindi nagtatagal. Panandaliang kasiyahan lang. I always try to distract myself pero usless. Ang gulo talaga. I hate this.
Ayoko ng nararamdaman ko. I feel so empty. Alam mo ung feeling na may nararamdaman kang mabigat pero hindi mo alam ang nararamdaman mo? Di ko na alam ang gagawin dahil nga galit kayo. Alam ko un. Correction: alam ko pala ang tamang gawin. 'Yun ay ang kalimutan ang lahat ng 'to at maging masaya. Pero bakit ba hindi ko magawa? Bakit ba lagi ko 'tong dala? Gusto kong matahimik pero hindi matahimik ang utak at puso ko. Prang tanga lang. I hate this.
Ayoko na talagang magdarama. My goodness, ayoko na talaga. Mahirap. This is so unlike me.
“And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.”
Lagi kitang sinasama sa mga dasal ko. Haha.. di halatang nagdarasal ako noh? Haha.. Pagdating sa’yo, ito lang lang naman ang hinihiling ko sa Kanya: na maging exciting, masaya, maayos at purposeful ang buhay mo. At
It is so hard not to miss you.
Siguro nga hindi ako matatahimik unless malaman ko na ayos na ang lahat. Kailangan kong talagang malaman. Ewan. Magulo. Gusto ko na rin malaman kung ayos ka. Kung kamusta ka na. Ganun lang. For the record, hindi ko hinihiling na bumalik yung dati. Hindi naman kasi pinipilit o hinihiling ang mga ganung bagay.
Arrggh. Who am I kidding? Hindi mo rin naman ‘to mababasa eh. At kung mabasa mo man ‘to, i fear na you wouldn’t care. Hay, whatever. Pero kung mabasa mo man nga ‘to, ok na ‘yon. Masaya na ako doon. Salamat na rin sa pagbabasa, sorry mahaba eh.
Mag-ingat ka. Good luck with your studies. Although feeling ko naman you're doing well. Balita ko busy ka so sana di ka masyadong haggard. Haha... Live and love your life, you! I'll pray for you.
Happy V Day sa’yo. At sa kanila.
Posted by minnelle at 8:20 PM
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Christine Likes to...
I got this from Pauline “Kulot” Macapagal. The idea is to type “(insert your name here) likes to” in Google and search. After the results are given, you take the first ten things or information that you see. Just That simple.
I first tried to use Minnelle but I just got a whole lot of nothing. Apparently, there is nobody else who has the same name. That amazed me! Well, anyhow, I had no choice but to try Christine instead. I had no trouble this time because it seems that there are millions of Christines out there.
Anyway, these were the first ten. I didn’t edit them so please forgive the grammar and spelling boo-boos. =)
- Christine likes to fuck herself with her puurtty dildo’s and her long and skinny fingers, she says the Dildo’s feel much better. After watching Christine do a self fucking session we knew she had what it takes to be a hidef slut for SexToyTeens.Com the Ultimate HD Teen Masturbation Palace.
*Frankly, I’m more disgusted by the grammatical mistakes. Yikes!*
- Christine likes to dance, read, listen to music and eat, eat, eat. In
*Well…I do love to dance, read, listen to music and eat. I don’t know about the night clubs though. Lol. *
· Christine likes to daydream and is apt to have many wishes and illusions that rarely have a chance to materialize. She is guided by her feelings and seems to live in a world of her own. She is open and unconventional in her attitude towards love relationships, romance and sex.
*Looks like I have a slight mental problem. Now that explains a lot of things!*
- Christine likes to wear pink underwear. I think they had hearts and flowers and unicorns on them. It's the truth.
*Pink underwear? I say NO UNDERWEAR!*
- Christine likes to take time out of her day to do one of the things that she enjoys, which is singing and playing guitar with her children.
*Oh, yeah. We do it on the sidewalk with dirty, tattered clothes. Source of income. Diyan lang sa may bangketa. Lol.*
- World champion mini-golf player. That's how Christine likes to describe herself, but let me attest here on Friendster that is not true. Christine can't seem to putt at all.
*Golf? Taray! I always wanted to try golf. Doesn’t matter that I’m terrible at it. Nyahaha…*
- Christine likes to think (read: deludes herself) that she is good at her job because she offers a unique perspective and skill set that comes from outside the bubble with her goal being to create relevant interactive experiences that make people’s lives more interesting and fun.
*Haha… I do tend to delude myself. And yes, I do make people’s lives more interesting (but customarily in a bad way). Haha!*
- Christine likes to get beat up. She just won't admit it. so i gotta lay down the
law once and a while when i c her. She loves to go to the klubs to hit on gurls and say: hey baby....u look dangerously hott 2nite. Gimme a call sometime. My number's 911.
*What?! I’m the one who usually does all the beating. Haha! *
- Christine likes to dance, write, and participate in the community arts. She tends to be opinionated, but respects your right to disagree with her. Most of all, she tries to love everyone just as they are.
*True (for the most part).*
Natuwa ako dun. Try it! I'm sure matutuwa ka rin... ^_^
Btw, you could visit Kulot's blog too. You could just click on her link in this page. =)
Posted by minnelle at 9:55 PM
Friday, November 16, 2007
First Day Mishap
“Ano daw sabi ni Ma’am? May endothermic exothermic thing rin ba daw sa physical change?” Tanong ko sa seatmate kong sinusulat lahat ng lumalabas sa bibig ng prof namin. Sasagutin na
“Ms. Mercader! Ang daldal mo. Go to the back of the room!” Boses yan ng prof ko sa chemistry.”
Lahat sila tumingin sa lugar ko. Unang pumasok sa isip ko: “Ako ba yun?” May mga ilang segundo pa yata na parang nakalimutan ko na Mercader nga ang apelyido ko. Parang amnesia due to shock. Pangalawang pumasok sa isip ko: “Shit, ako nga! Lagot.” Di ko alam ang gagawin ko. Body freeze. Siniko ako ni seatmate para tumayo. Tumayo naman ako at mabagal na naglakad papunta isang upuan sa likod ng kwarto.
“Akala mo ba alam mo na lahat para ‘di ka na makinig sa akin? Hindi tayo magkakasundo kapag ganyan!” Wow. May pahabol pa si Ma’am.
Umupo ako. Pinagtatalunan pa ng mga mini demons sa utak ko kung magpapaliwanag ba ako sa hostile professor kong parang hindi naman makikinig. “‘Wag ka na magsalita! Baka lalo lang maasar sa’yo. Ikaw rin.” Sabi ni mini demon #1. “Mag-explain ka! Sabihin mo na kaya ka nagsasalita sa likod kasi may tinanong ka lang tungkol dun sa topic. Hindi ka dapat pagalitan nang ganyan. Ikaw rin.” Sabi nman ni mini demon #2. “Hayaan mo na. Paabang na lang natin sa mga lasenggo dun sa may intramuros mamaya.” Sigaw ni mini demon #3.
Habang nakiking ako sa mini forum ng aking mini demons, humirit uli si Prof. “Kanina pa kita tinitignan! Noong una tumahinik ka pa. Pero nung mga sumunod, parang wala kang nakita.” Tila naghihintay lahat kung ano ang gagawin ako.
Hindi ako sumunod kay mini demohn #1. Ayoko nga. Hindi ako ang tipo ng taong tatahimik lang habang parang iniihian na ang pagkatao ko. Hindi rin ako game kay mini demon number #3. Ayoko rin. Alam ko kasing kulang ang pera ko para suhulan ang mga lasenggo at tambay dun sa kanto ng Intramuros. Nagtitipid kaya ako. So in short, panalo si mini demon #2.
Tinitigan ko si Prof. Tinaas ko ang kamay ko, sabay sabing: “Ma’am, I was just asking my seatmate a question about the topic. May hindi lang po kami nakuha. Tungkol po dun sa…”
“E wala pa ako dun, diba? Hindi pa ako tapos dun sa (insert topic here).” Wow. Super wow. Wow talaga.
Wala na. ‘Di na ako sumagot. May punto rin kasi si mini demon #1. Baka mag a la The Mummy Returns pa si Prof sa class card ko. I can’t afford na magkaroon ng mababang grade sa isang 5 unit subject noh! “Hayaan mo na lang. Screw your pride.” Sabi ko sa sarili.
May lilinawin lang ako: Hindi ako napahiya. Hindi naman kasi ako nahiya. Ubos na kasi yata yung ganun ko. Nalungkot lang ako kasi ako na nga ‘tong nag-effort na linawin yung info na nakuha ko, ako na nga ‘tong isa sa mga recite ng recite, ako na nga ‘tong may gusto talagang malaman – ako pa ang pinagbuntunan ng malupit na hagupit ng Prof ko.
Alam mo ung feeling?
Posted by minnelle at 7:21 PM
Sunday, October 14, 2007
1.28 Reasons to Celebrate
Grabe. I really let my blog go. Lol. Kasi naman… I have been busy with my schoolwork and all that. I found myself DROWNING in overdue requirements, tests and projects. Okay, that was an exaggeration. But I really was mentally and physically strained and bushed because of all the pressure. I was having frequent headaches and I slowly felt my energy slipping away. For the last few weeks, I looked like a total wreck. I was so worn-out that I always spent my free time sleeping (if not thinking of the things that I should be doing). Ang saklap talaga. But enough with that! I’m on my sem break now and I have all the time in the world to reflect, breathe, rest and blog!
Anyway, I just got my class cards a few days ago. And I’ve got to say that some of my grades came as a shock. I got higher grades than I expected on most of my subjects! I was astounded but also pleased – very pleased. I only got one elusive uno but I’m not one to complain. The way I see it, I’d rather be astonished with unexpected good grades than be distressed with expected pathetic ones.
Here is the tabulation of my grades (which I made for my demanding mother… lol) for the first semester.
| First Semester of SY 2007 – 2008 | |||
| Subjects | Units | Grade | |
| Biological Science | 3 | 1.25 | 3.75 |
| Behavioral Science | 3 | 1.25 | 3.75 |
| College Algebra | 3 | 1.25 | 3.75 |
| English Proficiency | 5 | 1.25 | 6.25 |
| Sining ng Komunikasyon | 3 | 1.75 | 5.25 |
| Physical Education | 2 | 1.25 | 2.5 |
| History of Philippine Government | 3 | 1 | 3 |
| Ethics | 3 | 1.25 | 3.75 |
| General Average | 32 / 25 units = 1.28 | ||
I didn’t do too bad, right? I think it’s safe to say that I’m on a reasonably good start. ^_^
Posted by minnelle at 7:16 PM
Thursday, September 6, 2007
So What?!
I just watched a replay of the Tyra Show a while ago. Tyra launched this sort of movement. The So What movement, she called it. I think it all started when she retired from modeling and her shallow critics began calling her fat and other awful names. She was nice enough to take all the denigration gracefully. Instead of wallowing in the negative energy, she turned things around and ended up helping inspiring millions of girls. If I were in her place, I would have bitch-slapped every single one of those twits.
Anyway, the movement’s aim is to build every woman’s self-esteem and sense of worth by encouraging her to embrace and appreciate everything about her own body, including its imperfections. I think it’s an extraordinary and worthwhile scheme. It goes a little something like: “I have frizzy hair and dark skin. SO WHAT?!” Or it may go like: “My thighs rub together when I walk, but SO WHAT?!”
I don’t know about you but I have some So What moments of my own too, a lot of them actually. People see me as confident with my I-don’t-give-damn attitude. But I can get pretty insecure sometimes, especially with my body. I know that there have been a lot of moments where I have said that I’m hot and all that. But most of it is just a load of crap. I don’t really see myself as beautiful. I’m okay-looking, I guess, but not even close to being beautiful. I just say all that to make other’s laugh or to lighten up the mood. Lol. Word Vomit.
Now, I join the movement that continues to change the views of millions of women all over the world.
I have stretch marks.
I have saggy skin.
I have my ‘sungki.’
I have frequent bad hair days.
I’m gaining a few pounds.
I don’t actually have a flat tummy all the time.
I binge on fast food.
I have white hair.
I have large feet.
I will probably be the bitchiest person you’ll ever meet.
Not everyone likes me.
But SO WHAT?!
Now, I encourage you to post your so what moments in the tag board. Try it!
